Are you a scary parent? If so, you’re not alone. But I’m not talking about what you might say to your six-year-old when they inexplicably paint a room teal just before Sister Clara visits your family (although I bet some of you are guilty!). I’m talking about reactions like these: Your kid sees a dog outside and freezes in place, eyes darting back and forth, paralyzed with fear.
Your kid compulsively checks under the bed before sleeping every night for three weeks. Or, In the middle of the night, your kid runs into your room shrieking that there’s a ‘monster’ under the bed and they must sleep with you tonight. At times like these, it’s easy for parents to get frustrated with their kids’ fears.
But it’s far more productive to ask why kids get scared in the first place and, better yet, how we can use children’s fear to enhance their lives. And the good news is, we can do it in a way that might feel just as empowering for us as for them.
Here’s your superpower, Mom or Dad! Children’s fears are entirely normal, and we can use them to make our kids’ lives more prosperous, caring, and interesting – and we just need to do it with a little patience, perspective, and creativity.
Let’s peek at the land of kid fear, see the quirky landscapes of children’s nightmares, and shed light on our own fear sense as guides for our children, a guide that we parents can use to help our children feel braver and more decisive.
This guide is the tool for helping your little braver navigate situations of fear – from that scary spooky creak to the scary monster under the bed to the oh-so-familiar ‘I’m so scared of the dark’ – this is the place to equip you and your child’s fear-busting toolkits. Let’s do this!!!
1. Understanding Childhood Fears: What Are They and Why Do They Happen?
Childhood fears are as natural as scraped knees and spilt milk. For little kids, it’s often the result of an overactive imagination combined with their limited and still-developing understanding of the world around them.
As children get older, they start to see things – a shape, a sound, a situation that they don’t yet completely understand, and that’s when it becomes frightening.
Or that dark, menacing tree in front of your window? All you see is a tree. But to your child, it looks like a scary giant monster! Unfamiliarity and the unknown are common fear triggers. That’s why common fears around the ages of two to four (such as the dark, animals or loud noises) often surface during the early years.
*A few typical childhood fears include:*
– Fear of the dark or being alone
– Fear of loud noises, like thunder or fireworks
– Fear of animals (even the friendly neighbourhood dog!)
– Fear of imaginary monsters or creatures
– Fear of new or unfamiliar places
Realizing that these fears are a regular part of your child’s development is one step toward helping them overcome them. Children’s minds are filled with wonder, and sometimes that wonder turns to fright.
2. Validate Their Feelings: Don’t Brush Them Off
If your child is afraid, it’s tempting to say: ‘It’s nothing to be afraid of!’ But think about how you’d feel if you were scared and someone told you that. Not so good, right? The point here is to *validate their feelings*.
Your kid is scared of monsters, not because you told them there’s a monster outside the room, but because of something real: from his perspective. So, pretend you’re scared of space monsters instead of telling him he has nothing to fear. Say something like: ‘I hear you, I understand you’re feeling scared.
It is perfectly natural for you to feel scared in this situation. Now, let’s talk about what’s troubling you.’
3. Turn Fear Into Fun: Make It a Game
Not only does this help your child associate fun with knotted-up emotions, but according to psychologist Paul Hastings from Golden Gate University in California, fun literally makes learning more lasting. ‘Kids won’t remember how much they’ve learned, but if you mix in play and enjoyment along the way, that’s how we stick things in our long-term memory.
Embracing or tapping into playfulness also takes away your child’s sense of helplessness, says Huston, author of Smart Parenting for Smart Kids (2017), channelling all the anxiety into fun. Similarly, how your child constructs and ‘practices’ the story helps them cope with what’s happening in the world right now, as play is an opportunity to process.
Kids who can play are in a better position to handle any kind of illness or even catastrophe,’ says Sara Kauffman, an art therapist and clinical associate professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at the University of Chicago.
If your child is afraid of the dark because she is afraid of monsters, empower her to transform this fear into joy rather than imposing your own rules. Turn her room into a glow-in-the-dark intergalactic adventure complete with glow-in-the-dark stars, a flashlight with a cool pattern, or a small night light.
You could also play games with her, such as ‘shadow puppets’. Spiders. ‘Yuck, reject, desist, flee!’ What about things you don’t like because you don’t agree with them? Let’s say you do not believe in the value of working with a holistic healer because you think learning to bend spoons with your mind isn’t useful.
Another? Make a ‘monster spray’. Fill a water spray bottle with a drop of lavender essential oil, label it ‘Monster Repellent’ and spray it around the room before bed, so your child has a way to ‘scare away the monsters’ and use their imagination to good effect.
4. Teach Them to Be Brave: Little Steps Matter
While the issue can be complex, you can help your child see that bravery isn’t being scared. It’s being scared and doing it anyway, and you can give her ways to take little baby steps to your child by helping her figure out what she fears and then asking her what little thing she can do to manage that fear.
for example, if she knows she can’t vote and feels anxious, does she know her candidate?
For instance, if they are afraid of dogs, start by showing them videos of adorable, friendly dogs, then move on to meeting a calm dog from a distance and carefully interpreting the dog’s body language. Eventually, they might get close to dogs and perhaps even pet one!
Tip: Celebrate every little win. If your child stands a couple of metres closer than they did previously to the thing of danger, celebrate it: ‘Fantastic, I noticed that you got really close to the dog today – that’s good!
5. Empower Them with Knowledge: The More They Know, the Less They Fear.
Unknowns provoke fear. The more you can tell your child what they’re afraid of, the less scary it will seem. For instance, thunder is no reason to say only: ‘It’s just thunder.’ You are better off explaining how thunderstorms work – for example, like this: ‘Thunder happens when clouds crash together, and they make a loud noise, like nature saying: I’m over here. But don’t worry.
There’s nothing bad to be afraid of.’ Show your children an educational video on the topic, and make the experience a positive learning one, not a frightening one.
Youngsters scared of visiting the doctor may become more comfortable with a medical check‑up if they practise doing it with a toy doctor kit at home. Anticipatory knowledge largely overcomes fears.
6. Create a Safe Space for Open Communication
Firstly, your child needs to feel like she can come to you with her fears – so begin by creating a space in which she doesn’t feel judged for her feelings or that her feelings are silly or unworthy of her grown-up time.
You can ask gentle questions like:
– “What’s making you feel scared right now?”
– “How does that make you feel?”
– “What do you think would help you feel better?”
You can also foster that in your child when you check in with them at the end of a day, regularly at bedtime, or after a particularly scary experience. Ask how their day was in a genuine way – and over time, they will open up to you.
They will surely have anxieties to overcome; sometimes, the smallest ones can make them feel like they cannot do it. Remember what you might have told yourself: if I can’t do this, then I can’t do anything. If I fail, I will be marooned forever on this frightful shore.
You can help your child grow into a more courageous, imaginative dreamer, a smarter jungle trekker, and a braver person.
7. Teach Relaxation Techniques: Calm Their Body and Mind
Fear often leads to physical sensations such as a racing heart, sweaty or shaky, and other feelings. Teaching your child some simple relaxation techniques can help them regain control of these reactions.
Try this one for fun: *‘The Balloon Breath’*. Have your child imagine he is blowing up a balloon with his breath. He takes a big in-breath through the nostrils and slowly blows out through the mouth as if to inflate a giant balloon. Repeat a few times until calmer.
A second approach is *“Tense and Relax”.* Have the child tense up his or her muscles as tightly as possible (like a robot!), hold it for five seconds, and then completely release all that tension, feeling how calm and relaxed the muscles become.
8. Model Confidence: Your Calmness is Contagious
Children soak up both the situation and your reaction to it, so if you remain calm and demonstrate confidence, your child will likely do the same.
Suppose your child is afraid of riding the escalator. If you explain calmly and factually how it works and then ask her to hold your hand as you step on it, she’ll recognize that the ride is safe. Your confidence will enable her to feel confident, too.
Sometimes, simply knowing that *you* aren’t scared is all it takes.
9. Be Patient: Progress Takes Time
Also, it is important to remember that, in most cases, children won’t feel better overnight. Feeling more comfortable in everyday situations that used to scare them can take weeks or months. Patience is important!
Don’t fret if your child doesn’t fearlessly conquer their phobia in a single outing. Try to avoid pressure, and don’t make them feel bad if they aren’t moving fast enough for you. Take it slowly and enjoy the journey, celebrating the small victories.
You’ll likely be pleasantly surprised at your child’s progress once they feel supported.
10. Know When to Seek Help
Whereas most childhood anxieties are healthy and resolve themselves, sometimes fear takes a foothold and becomes harder to control. If fear is strongly interfering with your child’s day-to-day life – maybe he won’t go to school, he has regular nightmares, perhaps he is persistently and strongly anxious – you might want to contact a professional such as a child psychologist.
Nobody needs to feel guilty about asking for help – in many ways, it proves you want to support your child in every way you can. A professional can offer you new resources and strategies so you can continue to help your child stay on track through his more sophisticated fears.
Conclusion: You’ve Got This, Fear-Busting Parent!
Folks, fear is just part of being a kid. Instead of panicking or trying to repress your little one’s fears, take this opportunity to help her build resilience. Show her that she can tame her dread, make it silly, and even tackle it head-on. Most of all, recognize the little gigs your kids take when overcoming fears as triumphs.
That’s what ambition, bravery, and grit look like. You’ll find they’re more like role models for your kids than you might think.
So go get that ‘monster spray’, do those balloon breaths, and get ready to be the fear-destroying advocate for your child. Scary shadows may be part of adult life, but they can also be part of the adventure of childhood.